I rise and shine, ready to start a new day, and trip over the midget on the floor next to my bed. He gives an incoherent mumble, then begins snoring a snore that sounds like collapsing buildings. I shower, shave my buttocks, and dress. The crosseyed mallard duck in my closet spots me a five for breakfast. As the door to my apartment closes, I hear him quack, “Ever dip your genitals in broken glass?” Outside the doughnut shop a vagrant asks the fire hydrant he’s straddling, “Ever piledrive a sex partner?” Standing in line for my usual coffee and strawberry cheese Danish I observe a man ogling the little girl playing with her doll in front of him while her oblivious mother orders. Our eyes meet. He smiles, then mouths the words, “Ever want to kidnap a child and take her across state lines again?”

I receive an e-mail at work that asks, “Ever wake up balls deep in John Candy’s widow?” Two coworkers and I walk to a nearby bar for lunch. Over beer and burgers, we interrogate our waitress: “Ever come full circle in the Bermuda Triangle?” “Ever go to your high school’s prom dressed as Ronald McDonald?” “Ever tongue kiss a vigilante?” “Ever cockblock at a cockfight?” A new e-mail is waiting for me when I return from lunch. It reads, “Ever climb a cactus nude?” An hour before quitting time I go the bathroom. A man from a different suite is standing at one of the two urinals. I stand before the free one, unzip my pants, pull out my penis, and let go. The man next to me, staring up at the ceiling, says, “Ever been punched in the

kidneys while taking a piss?” I stop urinating, return my penis to my pants, turn around, and open a stall. A different man from a different suite is in it, releasing an exceptionally noxious stool. He asks, “Ever hold hands and take a group shit?” As I’m leaving the bathroom for the one on the second floor, both men yell simultaneously, “Ever get kicked in the stomach while taking a shit?” Just before clocking out my boss asks me to come to his office, and to please close the door behind me. He stares at me, frowning. An uncomfortable silence builds. Finally, he asks me, “You ever suck come out of a kumquat?” “No,” I say.                                         Next >>